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Our wonderful Christmas Eve party at Casa Diablo was spoiled only by Governor Donald Carcieri’s demands that Phillipe don a fake tattoo on his chest (showing Lieutenant Governor Charles Fogarty looking like Herman Munster), and that all the guests be photographed with him bare-chested, while his wife, Sue, did the shots.

          This, of course, outdid P&J’s old friend, Weldon Shitehouse, spiking Secretary of State Matt Brown’s Pernod and grapefruit with a double shot of Ex-Lax. But we did consider it unexcusable that Matt would kick down the bathroom door while GOP doyenne Eileen Slocum was applying Botox to her face with a mason’s trowel after already having put on enough lipstick to cover a billboard. Fortunately, Ms. Slocum had left her Derringer on her home night table, lest any of the duskier Newporters break in during the wee hours.

          Perhaps the worst part of the evening was having to keep Urinal sportswriter Bill Reynolds from drowning former Governor Bruce “If this is Tuesday, I must be in Belgium . . . or somewhere” Sundlun in the powder room loo. Bill’s relentless attacks on Captain Raccoon in his Saturday column are legend, although we do consider Ed DiPrete’s Dumpster-diving antics much more worthy of media attention.

          P&J must admit it has been a hard year. As we have mentioned in this space, at times we feel like weary obituary writers, one of the most recent to fall being Charles Rocket, our respected and beloved friend. We wish all our pals only the best for the years and years of love and care you have given P&J in what will be our 27th year of writing this wiseass doggerel. And many thanks to the intrepid and forgiving Stephen Mindich, ne’er-do-well best buddies Steve Brown and Peter Kadzis, the indefatigable genius Lou Papineau (who should be in the RI Journalism Hall of Fame), and the man of constant patience who puts up with our bullshit, news editor Ian Donnis. And thanks to everyone else behind the scenes at the Phoenix who contributes to making this rag — in Phillipe & Jorge’s eyes — one of the best contributions to life in the Biggest Little.

          Selah, Mr. Thompson.


Pump this up

In case you missed it, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s name has been officially removed from a soccer stadium in Graz, Austria. This was not because his father was a Nazi or due to how his hideous wife, Maria Kennedy, is a professional clown. Instead, Governor Skullhead lost his standing because of Arnie’s fascination with death sentences, like the one he imposed on the creep “Tookie” Williams, the former Crips kingpin who was aced last week for killing four people. It must be said that Tookie — what a cute name, sort of like “Scooter” Libby, another despicable enemy of the people — deserved his fate. But in Austria, a country where murderers and torturers like Dubya Bush and “Big Time” Cheney are not tolerated, Skullhead’s death trip didn’t play too well.

          Hopefully, the Skullheads will soon be departing from the governor’s mansion on the Left Coast, primarily because he s an oafish, muscle-bound girl-groper, and she is an anorexic harridan who has compromised her family’s good name as Democratic leaders. (Of course, we will never forgive Teddy Kennedy’s blatant contribution to the death of Mary Jo Kopechne, which many would describe as being an accessory to murder.)

          Sieg heil, Arnold. Perhaps you won’t be back. Blessedly.


Why we torture

Your superior correspondents were intrigued last week to see a headline on the front page of the Life section of USA Today that read, “Films show terrorists as people,” with the subhead, “Stance might reflect anti-war sentiment.” At Casa Diablo, the thinking was, “Stance might show grasp of reality,” as it has always seemed clear to us that the people with whom we are war are actual human beings.

          The story notes: “To the dismay of some critics, several films are offering humanizing portraits of extremists, including suicide bombers.” Since the article mentions and quotes only the archconservative Michael Medved, we assume he is the “some critics.”

          Naturally, Medved thinks it’s a bad idea for films to portray our enemies as actual human beings. Hollywood left-wing bias, he speculates, is making filmmakers so dastardly that they would portray enemy terrorists as something more than cartoons or vermin. There was also a dissenting perspective on the motivation for this dangerous new trend. Randy Roberts, a history professor from Purdue, sensing the USA’s increasingly negative view of the war in Iraq, was quoted as saying that the filmmakers’ motivation might actually be “profit.” Who ever heard of such a thing!


A cautionary tale

An article in the December 21 Other Paper, by veteran reporter Gene Emery, illustrated the notion that drugs will make you stupid. Police in Somerset, Massachusetts, were alerted about a potential “bear attack.” Dispatched to the scene, officers spoke with Joseph and Christine Crawford of Albany Street, who claimed that three bears had been in their backyard and had attacked several deer.

          Searching the area, the police found no evidence of deer or bears, so they left. A half-hour later, a woman called 911, screaming that the bears were back and trying to get into the house. The officers rushed back to the scene and found the Crawfords in their vehicle. The couple announced they were getting their kids and hitting the road to escape the bears (which were still MIA).

          It was then that one of the officers, Lance Mello, had a stroke of genius. He asked Mr. Crawford if he had taken any drugs recently. Yes, Joe allegedly said, he and the wife had been inhaling cocaine all night long. Officer Mello asked if he still had any. Joe said, why yes, I still have a bag right here in my front pocket. Apparently Joe’s ability to identify cocaine far exceeded his ability to identify members of the ursine community.


A small measure of common sense

A measure revising the language of the provision in the Higher Education Act (enacted in 1998), which denies federal financial aid to students with drug convictions, was included in the Senate’s “budget reconciliation bill” (S.1932) last week. The change allows students with past convictions to receive aid, but students convicted while in college will still be stripped of their aid eligibility. The folks at the Students for a Sensible Drug Policy say the partial reform will help some of the more than 175,000 students affected by the law, but that tens of thousands will still be left behind without aid. Students are now working with the ACLU to file a lawsuit alleging that the penalty is unconstitutional.

          A recent SSDP press release notes that the congressionally created Advisory Committee on Student Financial Assistance, which was created in January 2005, has recommended complete removal of the drug conviction question from the financial aid application. The committee also stated that the drug question’s mere presence on the form deters some students from applying. Under the change approved last week, aid applicants will still have to answer a drug conviction question.

          This little issue may not be at the top of your agenda, but the total dunderheadedness of HEA’s Drug Provision is nonetheless breathtaking. Not only is it next to useless as a deterrent to drug use, but its application and efficacy have been shown to be inherently discriminatory. Let’s get rid of the whole damn thing. Aren’t kids who may have once gotten into trouble due to drugs the ones who would most benefit from educational opportunities?

Send a year of peace and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&

Latest Articles

Down in the dumps

Business as usual at the Landfill. Plus, fun with Keven and a special menu
Your superior correspondents are shocked -- shocked! we tell you -- to see a front page story in the Other Paper indicating that there has been some sort of monkey business going on at the Rhode Island Resource Recovery Corporation, aka, the Central Landfill, aka "the Dump."
By PHILLIPE AND JORGE  |  September 23, 2009

Cheesy and crackers

Too much southern exposure. Plus, a rant — unpamper those kids!
There is no place hotter in the media lately than South Carolina, "The Cracker State," whose logo is still  essentially the Confederate flag.
By PHILLIPE AND JORGE  |  September 16, 2009

Wall Street's death wish

Investing in mortality; plus, getting it right, and wireless, in West Virginia
If you read the front page of the September 6 New York Times , P+J hope you are either dumbfounded, appalled, frightened, or so pissed off that you went and got the Uzi from the attic and looked for the Amtrak schedule for the Northeast Corridor trains running to New York City and Washington, DC. At least it shows you are paying attention.
By PHILLIPE AND JORGE  |  September 09, 2009

Health of a nation

Enough with the 'forums!' Plus, playing politics and sporting news.
Let's just forget about all these dog and pony health care "forums" and face some facts. First and foremost, the main (and, perhaps, only) debate is this: Do you believe that health should be subject to the marketplace?
By PHILLIPE AND JORGE  |  August 19, 2009

More fun in Nawt Prov

Tales of Ebay Cholly. Plus, our sorry state, kissing cops, and the GOP.
Sal Mancini would be proud.
By PHILLIPE AND JORGE  |  July 29, 2009

Reconfiguring the Other Paper

The 'New' Urinal. Plus, Richard Walton on Frank Mccourt  
Last Friday P&J noticed an article on the Providence Business News Web site concerning a major design change being planned by the Urinal. According to the source for the story, veteran BeloJo scribe and Providence Newspaper Guild president John G. Hill, the paper "is scheduled to announce a redesign of the newspaper in its print edition this Sunday."
By PHILLIPE AND JORGE  |  July 22, 2009

risd list

Artful dodger

Keep the RISD Museum open in August! Plus, the weirdness on C Street.
Phillipe and Jorge are quite disappointed to see that the Rhode Island School of Design Museum will be closing for the month of August, largely due to its endowment being down due to the economic recession.
By PHILLIPE AND JORGE  |  July 15, 2009

Hail to the chief

The supreme Suttell. Plus, Newport news, and more on Michael.
Phillipe and Jorge are delighted to see that Paul Suttell, our pick for Chief Justice of the Vo Dilun Supreme Court, smoothly sailed through the General Assembly to assume that grand position.
By PHILLIPE AND JORGE  |  July 01, 2009

Our Pazmanian Devil

Vinny's early days. Plus, a lame land grab, and more budget madness.
Phillipe and Jorge often think of how nice it would have been if Warren Zevon's "Boom Boom Mancini" ("Hurry home early, hurry on home/Boom-Boom Mancini's fighting Bobby Chacon") had been about local boxer Vinny Paz, nee Pazienza.
By PHILLIPE AND JORGE  |  June 24, 2009

Bad blood at 'PRO

Trouble at Salty's Shack. Plus, firefighters burn their bridges and Esserman's bad attitude.  
The ongoing Hatefest at Salty's Joint has hit the Urinal, with an absolutely ridiculous story alleging that veteran Rhode Island radio hand, Ron St. Pierre, inadvertently "assaulted" John "The Journalist" DePetro with an 8x11" sheet of paper loaded with a dangerous metal staple.
By PHILLIPE AND JORGE  |  June 17, 2009

Bridge to nowhere

What's in a name? Plus, a curious consultant, and bashing Obama.
The Department of Transportation has taken quite a few knocks in this space over the years. So to try to offset that, spurred by the story in the June 8 Urinal about the Pawtucket River Bridge, let us throw them a compliment: they do a hell of an artist's rendering.
By PHILLIPE and JORGE  |  June 10, 2009

Justice prevails

Suttell's supreme nomination. Plus, no E-Z Pass, and a few big nights out.
Well, it's about time people in power began taking note of who Phillipe and Jorge support, just as we jettisoned Barack Obama into the presidency after endorsing him prior to the Iowa caucus.
By PHILLIPE and JORGE  |  June 03, 2009

Monkeying around

Going ape at the urinal + WJAR. Plus, a compelling reason to stay healthy
Dire fiscal conditions at most media outlets have led major local players like the Providence Journal and WJAR/Channel 10 to pursue a unique employment strategy. Both organizations are apparently looking into securing the services of trained gibbons to provide much of the support work and eventually the writing and reporting of the news.
By PHILLIPE AND JORGE  |  May 27, 2009

Uncandid camera

Turning a blind eye at the State House. Plus, the Damkoehlers hit the road
There was an excellent piece on State House security cameras in the May 18 issue of the Urinal by the always-reliable Steve Peoples.
By PHILLIPE AND JORGE  |  May 20, 2009

Old fart at play

Richard Walton's birthday bash. Plus, Super Susan, and a farewell to Dom.
Richard Walton, our favorite lefty who we bring in from the bullpen in tight situations, is having his 80th birthday party in Pawtuxet (that's Gaspee Plateau in Cranston, for youse Vo Dilun ignoramuses), right next to the river. For details, contact But let our old boy explain about his event:
By PHILLIPE AND JORGE  |  May 13, 2009

Ride, Captain, Ride

Sundlun gets off the road. Plus, as A for the Gamm, and corporate lies
The mighty Captain Blowhard was back in the news quite prominently with his stop sign-rolling, curb-jumping antics behind the wheel that led the Jamestown police to suggest that he come out with his driver's license and hands up, following similar assessments by the North Kingstown gendarmes and the URI security force.
By PHILLIPE AND JORGE  |  May 12, 2009

Panic attacks!!!

Overreacting in the USA. Plus, EDC = DOA, OK + RI, and a Rush to judgment
Would everyone please go running out of your house screaming in utter hysteria right now.
By PHILLIPE AND JORGE  |  April 29, 2009

C.J. Chivers's real journalism

Plus, it's time for same-sex marriage, the PPL on the brink, and some unusual tomes
Phillipe and Jorge were absolutely stunned by the astounding and chilling story on the front page of the April 20 Urinal
By PHILLIPE and JORGE  |  April 22, 2009

Dumb College Edition

Uber-PC at Beige University. Plus, too many sad farewells
Phillipe and Jorge have words of wisdom for Brown University's idiotic, uber-politically correct faculty members who voted to drop Columbus Day and substitute a "Fall Weekend" at the behest of student group called Native Americans at Brown.
By PHILLIPE and JORGE  |  April 15, 2009

Cheap jokes R us

Plus, the Times discovers Jamestown, the Globe in peril, and casino hypocrisy
Phillipe and Jorge's esteemed columnist friends from the Urinal, Bob Kerr and Edward Fitzpatrick, both picked up last week on the new bright orange "P" that is now meant to be the symbol of Providence to the outside world
By PHILLIPE AND JORGE  |  April 08, 2009
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