now all that bullshit Rapture hoopla is far behind us, it's time to revel in a little schadenfreude. While we laugh at those on
their hands and knees with a dustpan trying to sweep up the remains of
their lives like a shattered vase after doling out their life savings
over (DUN DUN!) Judgment Day, let us remember the ghosts of failed predictions past. After all, Harold
"Nostra-dumbass" Camping ain't the only one to send a bunch of people
into a blind frenzy over nonsensical sizzling without steak. Here are five
1) The New Millennium
NINETY-SEVEN! NINETY-EIGHT! NINETY-NINE! ... FUUUUCK! The rollover that
had the planet shaking! How would the computers comprehend the double
zero? Well, as you may remember, we as a planet spent $300 billion
in preparing for Y2K. When the clock struck midnight, however, the
"bug" was revealed as a big MacGuffin to keep apocalyptic fear alive,
and everyone got drunk just the same. I'll certainly
be dead by 2100, but hopefully this story lives on to ease the people
when Steve Jobs, from the iRonLung 10G tells the world they're fucked.
2) Do you believe in miracles?
When people think of the Cold War conflict, they think of the
space race or the nuclear arms race. I think of Kurt Russell. In 1980,
Russell led the United States Olympic Hockey team
to an absolutely impossible victory over Gunnar Stahl and the Soviet squad.
(Or something like that.) Pundits and sports nerds alike had all their eggs in the Soviet basket
(but that was cool because, like, everyone had equal ownership of all
the eggs); but Team America came out ready to take down a giant while
the whole world watched, doubting the underdogs. And then blammo, they gave unto us the Miracle on Ice. USA! USA! USA!
3) Ken Olsen hates the future
In 1977, this guy said: "There is no reason for any individual
to have a computer in his home." Clearly, the co-founder of Digital Equipment
Corporation had never heard of hardcore pornography, identity
theft or Rick Rolling.
I'm not condoning any of those things, but still -- I'd have seen it
coming. Not only does every individual now require a computer in their
home, but they need them in their phones, cars, and relationships, too.
Honestly, I wish this guy was right.
4) Get the news before it doesn't happen!
DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN! I know, I couldn't believe it, either. On Novermber 3, 1948, the Chicago Tribune, in an effort to get
the news out first, announced Republican Thomas E. Dewey as the
presidential victor over Harry S. Truman. But there was a problem.
Truman beat Dewey in an upset. The then-publishers of the Tribune
released a corrected edition of the paper with the less famous
headline, "OUR BAD, BRO!" later that day. Imagine someone got the Miracle game wrong? Kurt Russell would've been piiiisssed.
5) LOST couldn't find logical end
This show sucked, BTW. Everyone and their grandma had their own
dumbass ideas about how this drivel would wrap. Polar bears, smoke
monsters, time travel, how will it all come together! Well, of course,
it didn't come together. The grand plan or reason was never revealed,
probably because the writers dug themselves too big of a hole to reach
any logical conclusion. The best part is that all the sniffling fans
had to pretend they liked it when they realized they wasted hundreds of
hours watching and decoding shit that was never real for a 2-hour clip
show finale. So much for your space time vacuums.
you have it. A short list of some other things people got wrong. Shit
happens. Or rather, shit is happening, and there isn't any possible way
for you, me, or anyone else farting their way through life to determine
how, when or why it falls in our laps. But we can take it as it comes.
(None of this applies to Miss Cleo. She's sharp as hell.)