Dr. Lovemonkey answers your questions
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS I
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Although I am only in my mid-20s, my wife and I have done very well in the past few years since graduating from college. Most of our friends, however, have not been so fortunate. A combination of the current bad economy and their own choices and ambitions has created a certain gulf between us that we try to bridge by scheduling activities and times together within their budgets and abilities. We are able to employ a full-time maid. Our current maid has been doing a pretty poor job and my wife thought that perhaps we could offer the job to one of our friends who really does need a job right now. The problem is that we are both very reluctant to mix friendship and being an employer. We want to help our friends but have a sneaking suspicion that this could all end badly. What do you think?
Your “sneaking suspicion” is probably quite perceptive. It sounds like you value your friendships more than your current upscale lifestyle. Your intuition that friendships rarely survive an employee/employer relationship is on the money. And good luck in hiring a maid that you are happy with. Just imagine what it would be like to have to tell a friend, “Hey, you did a lousy job mopping the kitchen floor.” You don’t want any part of that.
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS II
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I have been dating a woman, J., for the past three months. About a month ago, we decided to be “girlfriends.” This was after much issue since she wasn’t completely sure she was ready. Also, I found out about that time that she had been sleeping with her ex. Nevertheless, I forgave her and we decided to try a relationship. I love her but sometimes I fear she is not compatible with me. While we have many things in common (similar interests and educational backgrounds), she’s simply at a different place in her life than I am. I am ready to settle down and have children, she still wants to smoke pot, get faced, and stay out all night. The plot thickens . . . I have recently met someone new. This woman and I are friends, but we are developing feelings for each other. She is single, older, established, and looking to settle down in a relationship and have children. We have so much in common that it’s scary, and I often find myself on the phone with her for hours. I am confused about how to handle this situation. Should I stay with my current girlfriend since I love her and have made a commitment? Or should I consider asking her to date other people and see my new friend? Although I love my girlfriend, I simply feel that I have more in common with and would be more compatible and (possibly) happier with the new woman.
--Looking for Advice
What Dr. Lovemonkey thinks is key here is the fact that you and J. are not on the same wavelength at the same time. You are focused on settling down and she still wants to continue the party. I don’t understand why J. would think that she is now ready for a committed relationship. You have only been with J. for three months, which is not a very long time, but your instincts are indicating that you’re not compatible. I think that your instincts are correct. You and J. are just at two very different stages in your lives. Initiating a split may be painful, but it makes sense. Let’s hope you can continue to be “girlfriends” who can agree to pursue other intimate relationships.
: Dr Love Monkey
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