Just because you puked a lung on New Year's Eve doesn't mean you can't plan another five-alarm rager this month. George Walker Bush is vacating the Oval Office and President-elect Barack Obama is moving in, to face the futile mission of trying to reassemble Humpty Dumpty. With any luck, this kind of watershed moment happens only once, so no matter your political perspective — whether you're making a collage of recent Nation covers as you wave goodbye to Bush and welcome the first potentially post-baloney president, or if you're a stubborn right-winger tearfully gripping your soon-to-be-commandeered trust fund — there are plenty of reasons to fill your hot tub with Asti, your bong with newly decriminalized marijuana, and to call in nauseous on January 20, Obama's first day. Here go our party tips — blue for Democrats and red for Republicans.
FOR DEMOCRATS AND INDEPENDENTS It's time to round up all your fellow elated Obamaniacs. But since they'll be invited to at least a dozen such parties (particularly if they live in Cambridge, Jamaica Plain, or Somerville), you need to bring heat with the invitation. For an arresting visual guaranteed to attract liberal hordes, we recommend using Photoshop to recreate a great moment in American history: a picture of W. holding a rolled-up Benjamin over a coke mirror with the following caption: "Remember the first bill that Bush ever passed?"
FOR REPUBLICANS AND BIGOTS It won't be easy to lure depressed neo-cons who have barely left their homes since November 4. But they need to party, too, so your best shot (since there's not much to celebrate) is to disguise your shindig as a gun-cleaning Armageddon-preparation session. The Doomsday-oriented generally sells with this crowd, so we suggest that the invite reads something like: "Come Ring In the Last Inauguration Day — Ever."
"WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS," QUEEN Since Obama isn't gloating, the rest of us have a mandate to rub it in. And no song sticks it to a loser quite as well as "We Are the Champions." For good measure, protest Prop 8 while wearing a pair of Freddie Mercury nut chokers.
"CHOCOLATE CITY," GEORGE CLINTON & PARLIAMENT FUNKADELIC George Clinton might not get royalties on his music, but he deserves recognition for this optimistic look at black potential in American politics. (Even if he was wrong about Aretha becoming the first lady.)
"THROW YA GUNZ," ONYX As readers of townhall.com are well aware, President Obama plans to deprive Americans of their Second Amendment rights. Throw 'em while you got 'em.
"FEAR OF A BLACK PLANET," PUBLIC ENEMY Who would have ever thought that hip-hop's most politically aggravated outfit would have written the theme song for the current Republican rebuilding process? Not Chuck D.
OBAMANAMEGAME Clearly the best part of having a president whose name ends in a pronounced vowel is that we all get to make up cool hybrid words like "Obamania," "Obamanation," and "Obamaminium." How many can you concoct in one vapid news cycle?
BUSH SPEECH KARAOKE For eight years, the world has enjoyed a non-stop streak of blunders and Bushisms; not mere Freudian parapraxes, but things like: "I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office." Find speeches online and do your best Bush impression.
TELEPHONE In memory of Bush administration communication policies, recreate the classic grade-school game in which people hear only what they want to hear. Tell Izzie that Ira cheated with Pat and Stan, and then watch Pat and Stan blame it all on Irene.
PIN THE TAIL ON THE DONKEY A political twist on the old party staple. Blindfold one another like prisoners at Guantánamo, get a giant picture of Obama or some other terrorist, and impale the scoundrel silly.
FOOD & DRINKS
HOT CHOCOLATE On second thought, this is no time to get drunk. Obama inspired us to work tirelessly, and with so much economic and environmental devastation, we need to spend every minute building compost bins and hounding people on the street for Greenpeace.
MATZOTH BALLIN' SOUP Never before have blacks and Jews worked so hard to suffocate the hopes of white Anglo-Saxon Protestants. In honor of this momentous union, any combination of stereotypical African-American and Jewish-American staples will do. (We recommend barbecue borsht.)
CHOCOLATE WHITE HOUSES Now that the White House has strayed from its Caucasian tradition, the least Republicans can do is munch confectionary effigies. Consider it political transubstantiation.
CYANIDE Face it: the world, as you know it, is finished. Our president is a socialist, his secretary of state is a lesbian, and, my God, his chief of staff is a Jew. End it now, and don't let those liberals get the best of you.