The compensator
How to identify This woman, who always gave you weird passive-aggressive vibes in real life, feigns social niceties online by being the first to congratulate you on the new job, to console you after a bad day, and to offer pleasant commentary on your wedding photo album. What the hell is she trying to hide?
What to do when you spot one Reply in kind, with as many exclamation points as possible, until you can no longer live with yourself. Then de-friend her.
The liar
How to identify Slightly more dangerous than the Compensator, the Liar is etched in your memory as a malignant classmate who once stole your boyfriend. Now, she's so happy to see you on Facebook! She thinks your ramshackle home in the middle of nowhere is super cute! She just happens to work nearby and would love to meet up for drinks!
What to do when you spot oneRendez-vous looking better than you've ever looked. If that's not a realistic possibility, immediately enter the Witness Protection Program.
The geriatric
How to identify This person, perhaps a parent, is generationally unequipped to post clever, pithy thoughts in a digestible format. Status updates ramble on for paragraphs; wall posts resemble a Christmas newsletter. Each missive is signed with a full name.
What to do when you spot one Distract mom with a new piece of technology, like a digital camera or a Vera Bradley purse.
The everyman
How to identify Here's somebody with an inner monologue so dull you want to cry. "Just paid my phone bill!" "What a great night's sleep!" "I'm watching birds mate!"
What to do when you spot one Hand 'em a line of cocaine and a shotgun.
The gourmet
How to identify Constant real-time bragging about what he ate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner — often with photos — distinguishes this foodie from mere mortals. Snags hard-to-get reservations; gloats.
What to do when you spot one Write a naughty caption beneath the photo of his hand-sculpted terrine tower.
The drunk
How to identify Nocturnal status updates are the norm here. The sentiments are usually nonsensical, vindictive, rife with spelling errors, or all three.
What to do when you spot one Hold back — the hangover and drunk-dialing regret will be punishment enough.
The married single man
How to identify This guy is married, but you wouldn't know it. He doesn't acknowledge a relationship status on his profile; there are no smiling couple shots, no references to a wife. He posts photos of himself with younger women.
What to do when you spot one Write flagrantly on his wall, "Happy anniversary to you and Margaret!" and "Give your lovely wife a big smooch for me!" Then watch his friend numbers rapidly decrease.
The pregnant lady
How to identify What, the sonogram profile photo didn't give it away?
What to do when you spot one Rush out to your nearest convenience store and purchase condoms.
Kara Baskin is a Failed Model looking for a Married Single Man. She can be reached at kbaskin@thephoenix.com.
