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Red Alert! Code Webster!

Diverse City
By SHAY STEWART-BOULEY  |  December 5, 2012

(A writer taps out the final words of her monthly column, then opens up her email, attaches a file, and sends it to the Portland Phoenix. Seconds later, she swears and hangs her head. "Of all the wrong files to send, why that one?" she laments, and waits for the strike team to make an appearance at her door.)

Dear Agents of the Central Agency of Blackness — Maine Division:

While we applaud your part in elevating our Exalted Savior Lord Barack Hussein Obama to the Oval Office yet again, we must express our firmest displeasure with CAB agents outside Southern Maine who clearly failed to read the manual on remaining invisible to whites before going to vote illegally.

While your actions outside of the more colorful Southern Maine, along with similar efforts nationwide, helped steal the vote for Obama, it seems you were observed in action, in multiple locations, by wily and fleet-footed Maine GOP Chairman Charlie Webster. Did you think he wouldn't notice your melanin-enhanced asses in polling places? Or be taken seriously despite crying wolf on voter fraud in the past?

Yes, we at CAB were able to minimize the damage. After Webster commented on the hundreds and hundreds of you voting in those Maine communities in which you didn't reside, we wiped the memories of enough polling-place workers that he was forced to back down to "dozens and dozens" in his claims, and ultimately fail to provide any evidence at all. It was enough to discredit him and have his own Republican friends abandon him, but still, there is damage done.

Agent Jamal Washington Jr., you were supposed to bus your fake voters to other states before polls closed, not to other communities in Maine. We may all look alike to most white people, but not all of them.

Agent Harriet Tubman-Carter-Cash, smoke bombs are for distraction when you need to escape from the scene of a crime. In a voting booth, they attract attention. You are being sent to remedial ninja college immediately.

Agent Brian Spearman, when your operatives use our most important tool, the same-day voter registration those gullible Mainers allowed to continue, they are not to use it as a time for self-entertainment. People notice things like 666 Lucifer Way, 123 ABC Street, and 1,000,000 Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard.

Agent Jackson, please stop tapping Hollywood connections so heavily. I can only assume you started celebratory drinking well before polls closed. Even Charlie Webster recognizes when people like Reverend Al Sharpton, Will Smith, Halle Berry, and Oprah Winfrey show up to vote in rural Maine. Also, next time you vote yourself, please refrain from shouting, "Damn right I voted for the Muslim communist fascist black man, muthafuckas!"

Side note: Quentin Tarantino, you are not black, no matter how many times you cast Agent Jackson. Please stop attempting to take part in our operations. We will not issue you a Race Card no matter how many times you apply.

The field manual of operations for CAB clearly states that when we attempt to infiltrate areas where it might be harder to blend in (especially in a state where barely over 1 percent of people are black), use only our most passable operatives. Please focus on light-skinned Blacks who can pass for Italians or tanning-salon addicts. Dark skin and foreign accents are not acceptable. This is why we keep a database of biracial folks to help you fly under the radar. Also, take a tip from operatives like Shay Stewart-Bouley and have a white spouse handy, to help blend in.

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  Topics: The Editorial Page , Politics, Oprah Winfrey, Al Sharpton,  More more >
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