In 1905, Ellis Parker Butler published a short story called “Pigs Is Pigs” about a freight office that, due to a dispute over rates, is stuck with a pair of guinea pigs. As the conflict drags on, the little critters engage in some vigorous reproductive activity, until the place is overrun. After the matter is resolved, the freight agent reflects that it might have been worse, because the pigs could have been elephants.
The race for governor is like that.
Except guinea pigs have better hair than most candidates.
And some of the gubernatorial hopefuls are elephants.
Well, technically, they’re probably human, but being registered in the Republican Party, they exhibit pachydermal propensities, such as trunks (considerable baggage), tusks (long in the tooth), and timidity toward mice (don’t dare criticize the opposition).
Other candidates masquerade as donkeys (Democrats), reptiles (Greens), slugs, worms, and even a Jabberwocky or two (various independents unaffiliated with the traditional parties or, in some cases, reality). To date, none has chosen the guinea pig as a mascot, but given the mad-scientist quality of some of these campaigns, it’s just a matter of time.
The growth in this menagerie is not, as in Butler’s story, the result of unrestrained hormonal urges (at least, I hope it isn’t), but of a mixture of ambition, disorientation, and delusion. In other words, most of the candidates are power-hungry, confused, or insane.
Fortunately, there’s no need for you to sort the boars from the bores, because most of these oinkers don’t have the chops for this race and will be bacon long before the ballots are printed. Here’s a rundown:
John Baldacci. The Democratic incumbent is widely disliked by Dems (too conservative), GOPers (too liberal) and independents (too little too late). But he benefits from money, name recognition, and the lack of a single strong opponent. If his staff can convince him to stop claiming he’s made everything wonderful (voters hate being lied to), he could still win a second term by default.
The odds against his re-election: 3 to 1.
Chandler Woodcock. (I’m not making that name up just to enhance the barnyard-animal theme.) The Republican state senator from Farmington has the backing of GOP conservatives and a number of moderates, including influential party leaders. But if he makes it to the general election, his anti-abortion voting record will cause him big problems in southern Maine.Chances in the primary: 5 to 1. The general election: 8 to 1.
Peter Mills. The state senator from Cornville (I’m also not making that up) is the Republican beloved by disgruntled Democrats. But Mills’s record on taxes (he’s supported increases) and legalized abortion (favors) makes him unacceptable to many in his own party. The conventional wisdom says he’d be a formidable candidate in the general election (the polls say otherwise), but he needs to lose his bore-the-audience-to-death campaign style.Mills in the primary: 10 to 1. In the general election: 6 to 1.
