Much as I’d prefer not to discuss politicians’ bodily fluids, it’s my duty to report that more gunk than usual seems to be oozing out of some Maine Democrats.
Given Democratic officeholders’ propensity for leaving stains on blue dresses and reputations, journalists such as myself have a responsibility to monitor these secretions for signs of physical or emotional upheaval. Recently, my instruments have show an upsurge from the donkey-party’s sweat glands. This increased dribbling appears to be caused not by Bill Clintonesque libidos or Al Gore-inspired climate change, but by a case of nerves.
The Dems are afraid they’re going to lose the gubernatorial election.
On July 19, John Richardson, the Democratic speaker of the Maine House, summoned reporters to his office to announce that when Republican state senator Chandler Woodcock isn’t busy running for governor, he has sometimes served as a “lay minister.” Richardson had a number of other negative things to say about Woodcock, but I mention the lay-minister accusation first, because it has the distinction of being true.
Those of you who routinely vote against lay ministers have now been warned.
The rest of you will want to know what other juicy tidbits Richardson dug up on Woodcock. The answer: none.
According to reporters who were present (I was elsewhere, busy creating a new cocktail called “The Lay Minister,” which consists of one shot in the dark), Richardson claimed Woodcock had been quoted in a news story saying he wanted to give surplus money collected in the last fiscal year back to taxpayers. But, proclaimed Richardson, Woodcock had voted in the state Senate to use the excess cash for a variety of purposes including refilling the state’s rainy-day fund.
“He’s a flip-flopper,” the speaker said.
That’s exactly the sort of outrageous behavior routinely engaged in by lay ministers. And politicians. So, I can see why Richardson suspected Woodcock. But he should have followed up by doing what responsible officials do when investigating wrongdoing, namely illegally monitoring Woodcock’s mail, phone, and bank account. If Richardson had done so, he’d have discovered Woodcock never said he wanted to send the money back (although, other Republicans did), but did say he favored using some of it to pay off debt.
Woodcock will probably be defrocked for that. Assuming lay ministers have frocks.
Informed by the assembled journalists that his allegation was false, Richardson retracted it, then started swinging wildly. He charged Woodcock with “refusing to define himself,” by which he seemed to mean that the GOP candidate had not admitted to being a right-wing kook. He also pointed out for the millionth time that Woodcock believes schools should be able to teach creationism and intelligent design.
Ignoring the need for a little intelligent design in his press conference, Richardson attempted to justify his disjointed attack by announcing, “My role as a democratically elected official is to raise issues about where a candidate stands.”
The Richardson debacle got little news coverage. Fred Bever of Maine Public Radio and Victoria Wallack of the Times Record in Brunswick did stories. Two days later, there was a passing reference to “a confusing and embarrassing turn of events” buried deep in the Bangor Daily News, as well as an even more obscure mention at the end of an Associated Press story. The Portland Press Herald limited itself to running an op-ed piece by state Senate GOP leader Paul Davis, while other news outlets ignored the matter to devote their resources to reporting on how unusual it was that this summer’s weather was warm.
